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Fatal Attractions Alison began the evening with a reading from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran on marriage: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. And Alison asked, "How do we avoid the fatal attractions that get in the way of achieving the beautiful ideals as expressed by Gibran"? Some thought we need more poetry and idealism in our minds and lives, while others thought this kind of sentimentality leads us astray from the realities of relationships. Many thought our problems come from not entering relationships with more openness and honesty and not standing enough on our own two feet to at least give the relationship temple four good legs to stand on. Eva then presented a relationship story in which loss and religion brought a couple together. However, early in the relationship - actually the first formal date - there were many red flag behaviors, but the couple carried on until the conflict became unbearable and an order of protection was issued! The specific question was could the abused person have stopped the relationship earlier? The general question was, do many people feel the have gone farther into a relationship than they should have. Everyone seemed to agree that the person in the story should have ended the relationship on the first date and called 911 by the second date. In the general case most people in the room admitted going too far into an unhealthy relationship. Alison presented a relationship story of a couple that established a friendly relationship through e-mail and telephone and then had a first date. On the date a very negative impression was received by one of the people. The question was, should a second chance be given? The answer was NO! except for two people who would want more information or might want to help refer the person to social services or a mental health clinic. Alison and Eva told another story. A recently divorced man has his girlfriend move in as soon as the former spouse is out of the house. The new relationship turns out to be "obsessive" and, with difficulty, the man gets the new girlfriend out. She keeps calling and coming by and telling all her friends how much she loves him. The question is, should he try to be friends with her? The answer is NO, more likely he will have to get an order of protection; however, he deserves this for moving so quickly to replace his wife. There were reflections on getting into bad relationships due to lack of experience and maturity, foolishness and being fooled, impulsiveness and hunger for affection and just plain being unlucky! Alison ended the evening with a passage on love from The Prophet: For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. More E-Question Responses: The night I was introduced to him he drank Sweetheart Stout, which reminded me of my dad who only drank it when his stomach ulcer played up and was only drink my dad would ever drink. This guy told me he wasn't a drinker and then went on over the next few months to tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me, and nobody could ever come between us and no more money worries -- he'd give me everything! It's all quite amusing now but wasn't at the time when I discovered he was an alcoholic. I caught him drinking straight vodka out of the bottle from my cupboard, already having emptied all my other drink bottles. Then he went on to leave me with debts he'd run up in my name. Then I found out he was seeing his ex girlfriend the nights I wasn't there! HE OUT OF ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS I'VE HAD IS THE ONE I HAVE TO THANK MOST for teaching me the biggest lesson, which was to set my standards high and be determined to never settle for less than what I wanted and needed. This resulted in me now finding the sweetest, best thing to ever happen to me in my life! So to every guy I've had a relationship with -- THANK YOU! You've all helped to make me the happiest woman on earth now!!! Here's hoping you have all learned just as much from your mistakes! He was very goal oriented. He had his own business and knew what he wanted to do. This destroyed our relationship because he never had time for a relationship… sigh. I was drawn to his openness and honesty. He opened up to me and we could talk for hours, which was something I never had with my former spouse. Turned out it was all a put-on to get something else! Hmmm big sigh on this question -- very big. This is a lot to think about. I was very young, very naïve, and very with child when I first married. This was also the first man I was with and actually wanted to get pregnant so that my parents would let us marry -- back then I felt strange about living together without being married. I think I was so flattered that this person made me feel so beautiful, but little did I know he was on to making others feel just as beautiful. When it ended I was just turning 20 and I had two kids, which he never supported. Now I was not much older, or smarter, maybe a little smarter, but I was very alone and very scared. I use to think that to be alone with two children wasn't fair for them. Shortly after, I met my next biggest mistake but it taught me real good this one. In the beginning I thought how lucky I was to meet such a wonderful person who wanted to take my life over as though my kids were his and share these major responsibilities I had brought on myself. He treated me like a movie star in the beginning with much wining and dinning. Only thing is he never planned on stopping the wining, and later as I begun to question this, he began slowly becoming abusive and saying things like, how he took me from the gutter. I was pretty shocked when I heard him speak like that for I don't recall being in a gutter. I got one big wakeup I'll tell you that. Think it made me grow up suddenly. When I left that second relationship, was when I knew I could depend on me, and that it was what I needed to do for my family and myself. That's when I got my first bartending job and it helped me see I really could do it without a man carrying me and it felt awesome. I felt free and probably better than I ever had felt about me in my life. I never want to feel like I need another to take over my life for me as I felt in those days -- never -- ever -- ever. Hard lessons to learn but very necessary, and I am glad to say I learned the lesson. Take care of your own and don't be looking to anyone but you. That is the greatest reward to look yourself in the eye and know that, what you have was gotten by you, and no one can take that away. Plus little bonus things like my boys telling me they are proud of me and happy for the life I gave them growing up. Sorry this is so long, but hey, it's kinda my life story. |
E-Question: In
a past relationship what characteristic that attracted you ended up destroying
the relationship? Child-like qualities - his ability to make me laugh, first attracted me. He could act silly without seeming the least bit uncomfortable about it. Now, that makes me nuts - because he can't seem to be serious ever, unless he's angry. UGH! I can think of a few disasters and when thinking back
on how did I get Solid, dependable, reliable, and protective turned into
stodgy, Spontaneous and fun was masking irresponsibility, selfishness
and a complete My father is a loner and my last two relationships have been with men just like him. As a gregarious person with life-long friends, this doesn't work. I get it now! I've been attracted to extreme characteristics -- like very high intelligence, extreme independence (marching to one's own drummer) and even exotic appearance all of which have been exciting but did not lead to a life-style that lasted. The best one was last fall, when this sexy, charismatic body of a man, eventually got me in bed after we celebrated, danced and he charmed me with his cowboy roughness, used me all up, then said it was wrong after a few months of lust and fine fun. Now can one be a friend with a man like that? Where is the trust or the truth in a man's interiority and respect to a woman? Got my heart to break and cry. Tough question! Providing an honest and even remotely
accurate answer requires a lot of tough introspection. I don't think it's
easy for people to figure out what really went wrong and it's even harder
to admit that we were mistaken when we were initially making our choice.
I was young when I met my husband. I think I was attracted to him in large
part because he let me control him and us. But that control ultimately
lead to me losing all respect for him and the death of us. I believe the
men that are attracted to me are initially attracted in large part because
of my energy and my outspoken, uninhibited, passionate approach to life
and them but my enthusiasm and strength ultimately become overwhelming
for them. I also think all the attention and devotion that is welcome
in the beginning often becomes consuming and even oppressive as the romance
fades and the realities of day-to-day life have to be addressed. I have a tendency to lean towards a seemingly quiet and
shy type of man, yet he is aggressive in his beliefs and opinions and
has no problems voicing them to me. I think I look for a man to be macho
and strong, someone who isn't afraid of taking some risks. But in the
end they always turn out to be the same. They can't be there emotionally
for me and I usually end up walking away. Sometimes they become too strong
and over-bearing and insensitive to my needs. For whatever reason my past
record shows, that what I like in a man, eventually turns me off. In the past, I always seemed to gravitate to dangerous,
abusive-type men (which is not too surprising considering my abusive childhood).
I guess I thought they were strong and could protect me but I learned
the hard way (over and over -- way too many times!) that a man who is
abusive is NOT strong or protective, only abusive... The end of my marriage was caused by the very trait that caused me to become involved -- his silence. I was a single mother and my sons were teenagers and at a very difficult stage in life. Caring for them and earning an income took up all my time and energy. It was great to have a man who asked nothing of me in the way of emotion or conversation. When the boys were grown and on their own I was left in a vacuum -- with a partner who was stoic and uncommunicative. Trying to change into a pattern of communication and true sharing proved futile. As he pointed out, he didn't change -- I did! |